April’s tears…

May 18, 2009

 

I have spent the whole end of April crying, praying and begging to the Lord Almighty for Him to give me the one thing that would allow me to pursue my “Aussie dream.”  I have been very anxious about how my life is going to be, where I will be residing, how much should my pocket money be, about my duel with the immigration and stuffs. I have overlooked the one thing that’s important for me to be able to worry all the worries that I have contemplated. Can’t figure it out? I haven’t too, ‘til it had knocked me off bitterly out of my wits. I did not have my Aussie Visa on time and without it, how can all my qualms and aspirations materialize? A wake up call that made me hang loose, loose cause it made me desperate and hopeless, so hopeless that I would rather have physical torture than mental torture.

As April was coming to an end, I was starting to question my faith, as to whether HE could hear my prayers, for the ONE vital thing that I was asking. I was trying to decipher if I could be heard well if I will pray while sitting, lying, standing, head-stand, tumbling or by the old-fashioned way… kneeling? I’ve tried it all, except for the 5^th option, I didn’t have that much talent to be able to execute a prayer on that very specific customized manner. Also, I have appealed to all of the saints, angels and souls in purgatory. I was counting days, till I was about to give up. I am running out of time. My class is on the 4^th of May and it was the 29^th of April.

Voila! My long awaited and most cried for precious VISA arrived. I couldn’t believe that it is here, at last. But it’s too late, it’s the 14^th of May and I’m 10days late for school. I was moved on the next intake. Bitter, unexpected, unfair, but I have to accept it. On the brighter side, at least I now have my passes, for me to be able to legally arrive to my desired destination. This tragedy has left me unwaged for 4months, I have nothing but much time for leisure and relaxation, but I am fund less to be splurging on that idea. To make things work, I chose to study ahead of time and turn things around. At least, this time, things will be on my side, or at least they are, I presume.

Lastly, I’ve learned that I have to coordinate everything with HIM. This incident has made me a person with a stronger faith. I have learned that there are certain purposes for things that are taking place in our lives and that we just have to believe in HIM. Now, my tears have been wiped out. More importantly, I have now the courage to say that I will be able to live my dreams, according to HIS will. My April tears are being mended, tears that now have ended.

…

May 3, 2009

I have planned plans that I have directed myself to go to. Plans that are according to what I see as essential and should be done. I was solely focused on what I have decided to do. I have made myself an itinerary, a MUST. But all of a sudden these things did not materialize. All of a sudden things went the other way, I was caught off guard. I did not expect this. I overlooked things. I did not have a plan B, C or any back-up plan for that matter. I am questioning things that have occurred. Where did I go wrong? Where can I troubleshoot? Why is this happening? This is not what I have planned? What’s the purpose of this? Have I planned on my own or I should’ve had coordinated with someone with the highest power? Isn’t what I have planned beneficial for my development? Or does He have anything for me? What is this? Is this true? Nah! I’m just having a nightmare? But why am I awake? When will this end? When will I be able to say THANK YOU, at last I’m living my dreams? What can I do? I have given up things for these plans. What’s left of me now is a mere individual who have courageously dropped her old life just to live her dreams. I have gambled but I haven’t even commenced on the chance that I have staked at and I am now struggling. Is this the worth of being a gambler?